We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
