It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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