so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
