I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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