at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
