He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
