Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
