your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
