stop calling my apartment porn island.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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