okay pat passed out under dana's car
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
