Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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