Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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