Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
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