I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
