Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
