Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
