He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize