so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
