Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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