my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
