consequently i now know what mace tastes like
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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