New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I deserve this hangover.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
