Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This baby is an asshole
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
