sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Sober January is a disaster.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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