In the future we'll all be gay
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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