Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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