I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
