OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
no you cant smoke seaweed
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
