Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
