69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My dick has a subreddit
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
