Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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