when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
