Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
