exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
they need to just BURY HIM!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
