At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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