I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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