were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
