His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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