I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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