Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
