Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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