I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
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