I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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