3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
