So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
