The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
