my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
