this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize