her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
