Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
