so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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