There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
