I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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