I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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