No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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