This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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