giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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