I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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