I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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