you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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