My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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